Love died. It was raining when you brought me to the train station. We had a minute till the train arrived as you pulled into a parking spot by the tracks, your car sputtering to a stop. I couldn't get my lips to leave yours until I heard the deep rumble of the train pulling in. i should have said something but i couldn't think of anything worth while. i was leaving and you couldn't bear to let me go. i ran to the train and turned to look at you one last time but you were gone, your break lights shining a bright red in the darkness reflected off the newly formed puddles. the ticket was folded tightly creased in all the wrong places. I unfolded it and handed it to the conductor who looked at me with concern.
"Long trip for one person."
"I needed space."
He nodded, not knowing what to say next and just sighed, a slight acknowledgement in what I meant. I played with the words in my head. space, i didn't need space. i loved the claustrophobic feeling, our walls that seemed to close in on us. The apartment that was too small for our big dreams. i needed inspiration, yes thats what I needed. Something different, something new. I already was stuck in a routine and you and I both knew i couldn't live like that. i needed change. i craved it. You didn't understand, I didn't expect you too. No one ever does. I wasn't 100% sure i should have left, but i did anyways, without hesitation and I only looked back once.
The last night i saw him, i wasn't so sure. my gut told me things weren't the same. We laid in the same bed, just like any other time when i was there. But there was an obvious disconnection. Words were lost in the chemical reaction from my brain to my mouth and i couldn't stand it anymore. We were growing apart. he started telling me stories about girls i didn't know who made him smile more than i did. text messages received that made him giggle as i sat there waiting for him to acknowledge me. things that never bothered me before were now overwhelming and i couldn't handle it. the way he scratched his head, hogged all the blankets and turned his back to me. The stench of him that was once comforting made me want to throw up. I kept flipping through the contacts in my phone, hoping one of those names could save me. I fumbled around, for hours, until i mustered up the courage to say i wanted to leave. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, but not a single one fell.
"i can't do this anymore. i don't know who i am." He nodded, not knowing what to say next.
"Ramsey or Suffern?"
For some reason, that question lingered and stayed in my head for a while.
"Suffern , I guess."
The ride to the station was quiet except for the times when he'd tell me how i was royally fucking up my life, and i was. I get mocked for the tattoo on my ribs that reads "to thine ownself be true." because i don't know who i am in the slightest. How am i suppose to stay true to myself if i don't know who i am? I got out of the old pick-up truck and walked towards the shining fluorescent lights that lined the train track.
It didn't end there. Those words didn't end it. I still stayed up waiting for text messages from him, but he was too busy. I was just another notch on his belt. A year wasted. Finally, he wanted to fix things, but i wasn't so sure. He kept telling me how i needed to change. Over and over again. i was too immature and needy, incapable of making my own decisions. I had to be independent and change every aspect about myself. i spent long nights, sorting through my clothes, trying to find a flawless outfit for him. My beat up converse with the yellow John Hancocks on them were replaced with shiny new flats. The t-shirts that had been through more drunken nights and hang outs were replaced with stiff sweaters. My hoodies and sunglasses, that I used to hide hang overs and long nights, were put into the closet, not to be worn again. I was uncomfortable, but i wanted to prove something to him. All we did was fight, but at least it was communication. whatever i did was wrong. I left the best thing that ever happened to me, of course, and I'd never be happy again, because the only happiness I'd ever know was with him. Right. I wouldn't find myself. Ever.
Late jersey nights where the sky was 5000 different shades of blue, yellow and orange turned into my salvation. Those text messages from him ceased. He would never be spoken of again. I may be alone, but i'd rather be alone. I never really hung out with him again, except once. I wasn't sure how to react. i didn't want him there. i didn't want to be there. things were not the same anymore. I looked at him with disgust and never looked again.
I didn't know where i wanted to go, but i had to get out. The only thing that was familiar to me was the train line. the yellow one and the maroon one. The yellow is the Bergen line, the one i used to take to go see that boy. I hopped on the Maroon train, not really knowing where i wanted to go, but knowing the end of the train line meant New York City. i didn't want to go to new york, that made me uncomfortable. i rode the train, blasting Set Your Goals, listening intently to each lyric said. "LIFE IS ABOUT DOING THE PROCESS AND NOT THE RESULT. LIFE IS ABOUT DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO OR NOT!" Those words lingered in my head the whole ride.
I tried to see him once. He came down on one of those warmer december days. I walked down the street, his car parked in the same spot it had always been. Parked on Montgomery Street, close to the corner. His car was obvious, with it's New York license plates that didn't match the surrounding cars. He was waiting in the back seat for me, as always. I tapped the window, and he unlocked the door. I took a breath and stepped in. It wreaked. I forgot how much i hated that smell of dank cigarettes and body odor. I sat down on the cold leather seat, and answered the text messages from other boys who he had no idea about. He sat there, watching me, concern in his eyes. He knew he wasn't the one anymore.
"if you want me here, start talking. this wasn't my idea."
"then leave."
I was there because he begged me to see him, that this time it would be different. I wasn't about to leave just because he had nothing to say. I started ranting about my day and that night that I was so ridiculously drunk that I passed out in my best friend's bed with him. And how today i was so tired that I fell asleep in half my classes and how I was so hungry because i forgot to eat lunch because cigarettes were more important at that moment. I said anything that would get a reaction out of him. He sat there. i was ready to just get out of the car. He started talking though. Once again, all i heard from him was that i was a rotten person, that I half-assed changing for him, and that i was still a stubborn bitch and i didn't know myself. He was right, I didn't know myself. I was a prime example of exactly what he didn't want, yet he was here, in New Jersey, to try to fix things. I wasn't so sure. My phone beeped a few times, and I looked at it and started to respond to the text. He took my phone from me, and i just stared at him, took the phone back and continued to text who I wanted. I was too much for him. He wanted me back, loved me, always had, always will. i looked at him, in the eyes, his eyes had always been a strange shade of grey and blue, and just said, "I needed space." I got out of his truck and walked towards my car. i wasn't 100% sure i should have left, but i did anyways, without hesitation and this time, i didn't look back.